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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449987">Without You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvendetta/pseuds/mvendetta'>mvendetta</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>10 voicemails, Car Accidents, Death, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kenma, M/M, Mentioned Hinata Shouyou, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Kuroo Tetsurou, Voicemail, Voicemails, Volleyball, haiba lev - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:22:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449987</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvendetta/pseuds/mvendetta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of voicemails that Kuroo leaves for Kenma knowing that they will forever be unanswered.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. voicemail 01</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"H-hi Kenma,"</p><p>Kuroo held his phone shakily in his hand while the other pushed his untamable hair away from his eyes. He shifted his weight awkwardly and began to pace around his small room. </p><p>"I'm not really sure what to say during these, but my therapist said that it might help if I leave you voicemails to get everything off my chest. It's weird talking like this knowing that I'm not ever going to get a response," Kuroo said while wiping away a few tears that had started to trickle down his face. </p><p>"Fuck."</p><p>Kuroo's mind was racing and his heart was pounding inside of his chest. He couldn't seem to get his thoughts in order and he had so much that he wanted to tell Kenma but felt sick to his stomach that he would never actually hear what Kuroo wanted to say. </p><p>"It doesn't feel real. sometimes I wake up in the morning and forget that you are gone. I wake up and begin walking to your house to pick you up for school. I've made it all the way to your front door before remembering that you'll never set me another ball."</p><p>Kuroo placed his head between his knees as he struggled to choke back the tears that were streaming down his face and felt the headache coming on already. His throat felt hot as he tried to swallow back the vomit he could feel rising from his stomach.</p><p>"Sometimes your parents will invite me over. I can't bring myself to step inside your house without you by my side. I hope that they understand why I won't answer their calls."</p><p>Kuroo could feel his heart tearing in half as he thought about the faux blonde setter that Kuroo considered his closest friend.</p><p>"There is so much that I never got to tell you Kenma- like the way I could barely keep my eyes off of you. The way I felt whenever you made eye contact with me. The way my heart just about jumped out of my chest whenever you would accidentally brush up against me. The way I would lie in bed thinking about how one day I would muster up the courage to tell you how I really felt about you."</p><p>"...But know you'll never actually know, and I'm doing this through a voicemail. I'm pathetic."</p><p>Kuroo felt his raging headache start to blur his vision and his tears aided in his temporary blindness.</p><p>"Bokuto keeps trying to get me to hang out with everyone again- help me get my mind off of things. I haven't been to practice since you have been gone. I couldn't bear receiving a set from someone that wasn't you."</p><p>"Do you think that is crazy?"</p><p>"I just want to hear your voice Kenma- one last time. I can't even remember the last thing that you said to me."</p><p>Kuroo's tears were hot against his cheeks and he didn't even bother wiping them away anymore. They just kept coming. </p><p>"How am I ever going to move on from you? Especially since I never got to tell you the truth."</p><p>Kuroo's sobs poured out in the room breaking the silence that seemed to swallow him. He continued to choke back his sobs into the phone before trying to speak again.</p><p>"My therapist says that I should only send you ten voicemails and then it would be best for me to try to move on and let go, but what does she know? How does someone just let go of their best friend and love of their life?"</p><p>Kuroo pushed his hair out of his face again and laid his head down on his pillow, staring up at the ceiling. His head full of thoughts about Kenma and how badly his heart was hurting.</p><p>"You're my best friend Kenma... I mean you w- were my best friend Kenma. How could you leave me alone like this?"</p><p>"I love you so much it hurts." </p><p>Kuroo hung up and placed his phone on the nightstand next to him before turning onto his side and hugging his knees close to his chest. That night Kuroo cried himself to sleep just like every night before.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. voicemail 02</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two weeks had passed and Kuroo only looked more sickly as time passed. His friends and family were getting very concerned about his well-being and many of them tried to coax Kuroo from his bed. He hadn’t drawn the blinds ever since that day and his room was starting to smell like something had died. Kuroo couldn’t recall the last time he had showered and at this point he really didn’t care anymore. He shifted in his bed and grabbed his phone which was on the table next to him.</p><p>3:02 am</p><p>Kuroo groaned as he realized he had slept the day away and would be consumed by his thoughts because he would no longer be able to sleep anymore. He scrolled through his messages and saw that he had 103 missed messages from Bokuto. He wasn’t surprised and he didn’t bother even looking at them. He found himself navigating his way towards the phone app to make a call. He didn’t even know what to say, he just knew that he needed to get things off of his chest and he had only one person that he could talk to when things started to get bad in his life.</p><p>Kenma.</p><p>Kuroo clicked on the app and quickly dialed his number which he had memorized ever since he could remember. He heard the dial tone and was met with a voice that made his heart jump into his throat.</p><p>“This is Kenma. I can’t come to the phone right now. You know what to do.”</p><p>His short voicemail ended abruptly with an obnoxious beep signaling to Kuroo that he was supposed to speak now. Kuroo took a shaky breath and almost whispered into the phone.</p><p>“K- Kenma… You don’t even know how much I needed to hear your voice even if it was something that was recorded years ago. I miss you more than you’ll ever know. Bokuto has been trying to get me out of my room and out into the world to take my mind off of things, but I don’t want to not think about you. Kenma, you haunt every single thought that drifts through my stupid head. I don’t know how I am supposed to function in this world with you living rent-free in my head. I never learned to live without you.”</p><p>Kuroo shuddered as he felt a cool breeze push against his closed blinds making them smack loudly against each other. The only thing that could be heard was Kuroo’s shallow breathing and the wind dancing through his blinds. He returned his attention back to his phone.</p><p>“I never thought that I would miss the way you would brush me off when you were too focused on whatever you were playing on your switch. The way you would accidentally tune out my rambling because you were so absorbed in your own little world. Sometimes I would notice that you weren’t paying any attention and stop talking and just… just stare at you while your emotionless face stared at the screen. The way the blue screen would illuminate your face in the dark making it so easy to watch you when we would have sleepovers without getting caught.”</p><p>Kuroo let out a shaky breath as he sat up in his bed, moving for the first time all day. He glanced at a mirror that was hung opposite of him. He barely recognized the person who was staring back at him. His reflection was much skinnier than he remembered being- his face much more sunken in and he noticed the shadows around his eyes. Even he couldn’t ignore the even more crazy bed head he now had. </p><p>“My parents are forcing me to go back to school this upcoming week.”</p><p>Kuroo sat in silence again waiting for a response to come through the other end, but was met with radio silence once again. He would do anything to hear an uninterested response from Kenma again. </p><p>“I don’t think I’m ready to walk through the halls without you. What am I supposed to do without you Kenma?”</p><p>Kuroo bounced his leg up and down nervously and began to chew his nails which was never a habit he suffered from before he lost Kenma. The air around him was stale and he felt as if he was suffocating in the tiny room he had been spending all of his time in. </p><p>Kuroo grabbed a frame picture off of his night stand. In the white frame housed a picture of Kuroo with a large grin on his face while he slung his arm around Kenma’s slender shoulders. Kenma had an uninterested look on his face but Kuroo had been ecstatic that he had gotten Kenma to even look at the camera in the first place. </p><p>“All this time I thought that I was taking care of you but now that you are gone, I realize that you were the one taking care of me. I’m an absolute mess without you Kenma... please come back.”</p><p>Kuroo knew that his pleas were pointless because the voicemails would never be opened for the rest of Kuroo’s days but he felt helpless. It was the only thing he could do- beg Kenma to come back and rescue him from this dark place. </p><p>Kuroo choked back more tears, “Goodnight Kenma, I love you.”</p><p>As Kuroo placed his phone back on the table he glanced into the mirror once again. </p><p>‘Maybe I would feel better if I looked like myself again?’ </p><p>Kuroo made his way to his shower and slowly stripped down trying not to look in the mirror and be unable to recognize the body that was slowly deteriorating. He made his way into the shower for the first time in what felt like forever.<br/>‘If anything this is worse.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for taking almost a month to update! I have been studying for my law school entrance exam and have been so swamped! I hope that I can get a schedule down so I can finish this book... my school starts on Monday and I'm nervous that I'll get super busy. I'll try my very hardest to get updates out for you all! XX</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Voicemail 03</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kuroo finally rolled out of bed for the first time before 6 in the evening both of his parents were speechless. He knew that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days which was true in his case. His parent’s greetings fell on deaf ears as he strolled past them with his backpack in hand and headphones in his ears. Pulling his sweatshirt hood over his head, he ducked out the door and muted the sounds of the world with his music. </p><p>As he made his way towards school, Kuroo felt as though he was missing something. He looked towards his right and was reminded what he was missing when he was met with the gray sidewalk instead of the usual box-dyed hair. Kuroo swallowed the lump in his throat and continued the walk towards school.</p><p>The sight of Nekoma seemed so foreign to him as he stepped foot in the courtyard. He could feel the eyes of the other students fall on him as he made his way to his class with his head down trying to avoid any confrontation. He tried to drown out the whispers surrounding his return by turning up the volume on his phone. The voices were drowned out by the music that flowed through his ears serving as a distraction from everything else in his life. </p><p>By the time lunch rolled around Kuroo felt even more drained which seemed impossible because he had already assumed he was completely devoid of any motivation and energy. However, he was quite wrong. Making his way to a tree that he normally ate at with Kenma, he slowly pulled his phone out from his pocket and fiddled with the power button trying to decide whether or not this was a good time to make another call. </p><p>He pulled out his bento box but immediately lost his appetite once his eyes landed on the food that his mom had snuck into his backpack. However, Kuroo was no idiot and knew that he needed to eat something. He slowly picked at his food and began refueling in order to tackle the rest of the day. </p><p>As Kuroo was about to dial Kenma’s number a voice called out to him making him slip his phone back into his pocket. His teammate Lev was walking across the courtyard making his way over to him. His silver hair paired with his towering height made him very easy to pick out in a large crowd. </p><p>“Kuroo can I eat my lunch with you?” Lev asked while sitting down and pulling out a small box leaving Kuroo no choice but to let him.</p><p>That is where Kenma sits.</p><p>Kuroo brushed that thought away and nodded slowly and focused his attention back on his food that sat hardly touched in his lap. As he took a bite Lev looked at him again and began to talk.</p><p>“So yesterday my sister-” Lev began but Kuroo slowly tuned out as he began talking about something that his sister had done the previous day.<br/>Thank you for not asking about him.</p><p>Kuroo knew that he couldn’t handle it if someone were to bring him up, so Kuroo let Lev drone on without any complaints. It seemed that most had understood not to talk to Kuroo about what had happened and he was more than grateful that he didn’t have to discuss it with anyone. </p><p>Kuroo closed his eyes and laid back on the grass while Lev filled the silence with meaningless stories about his past couple of days.</p><p>-</p><p>“This is Kenma. I can’t come to the phone right now. You know what to do.”</p><p>Kuroo sighed and repositioned himself in his chair that sat in front of his desk in his room. He ran his hand through his messy hair and tried to compose himself before speaking into the silence that threatened to swallow up the room and everything in it.</p><p>“Hi Kenma… I-I thought that I would tell you about my day.” Kuroo stuttered before standing up and pacing around the tiny bedroom.</p><p>“I finally went back to school today... I knew that you would be happy that I finally got my lazy ass up and back to class.”</p><p>Kuroo could feel his heart pound in his chest and for a second he genuinely believed that it was about to burst. He could feel his hand begin to sweat around the small phone that he held against his ear. The world seemed to stand still whenever he was with Kenma, and even now as he spoke through the phone, his world halted around him.</p><p>“I ate lunch today with Lev. He wouldn’t shut up about his sister. Is this how you feel whenever you are with me? Constantly annoyed because I won’t stop rambling?” Kuroo spoke and choked out an airly laugh before realizing what he asked.</p><p>“I mean... f-felt not feel,” he spoke softly before feeling the hot tears trickle down his face.</p><p>He tugged harshly on his messy hair before sighing into the phone, “I thought that if I went back to school everything would start to feel normal again. You know… if I reestablish routine in my life. But then I realized how you were a part of almost every second of my day, and getting things back to normal will never happen. How do I create a life without you by my side Kenma?”</p><p>Is that even possible?</p><p>“I can’t do this right now Kenma. I’m sorry. I love you.”</p><p>Kuroo hung up quickly and grabbed his headphones and ran out of his house. He didn’t know where his feet were taking him but he knew he needed to get out of the room that seemed to be his escape lately. </p><p>He felt his heart slow down as he took deep breaths attempting to control the panic that had tried to tear him back into the world of hurt he was desperately trying to claw his way out of. </p><p>Then, as the rain began to fall and Kuroo swore that the world was caving in around him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi everyone! I hope you liked the update and I'm a little surprised I got one out this early! My school started today so I'm trying to get some updates out before I get too busy! xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Voicemail 04</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>READ THIS!!!! The italics in this chapter signify that it's a memory of Kuroo's, normally italics in my chapters usually are inner thoughts but I switched it up for this chapter. Hopefully this makes sense! Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: Death</p><p>Kuroo remembered it like it was yesterday.</p><p>The sound of his phone ringing had woken him from his deep slumber. That sound. Kuroo had to change his ringtone because every time someone called, that sound would bring him back to this worst night in his existence. Kuroo remembers the unidentified number that was displayed across his screen at 4:00 in the morning.</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo grumbled as he turned in his bed attempting to silence his phone which had rudely awoken him from his peaceful sleep. He recognized that sound as his ringtone and not his alarm and slowly rubbed the sleep away from his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hello?” He said, while still trying to wrap his head around who could possibly be calling him at four in the morning besides Kenma.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hi, is this Tetsurou Kuroo?” A man’s voice echoed through his speaker.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Speaking,” Kuroo sighed into the phone, already annoyed that he wasn’t wrapped up in his covers and dreaming.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We found your number favorited in the victim’s phone-” The man spoke before Kuroo interrupted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Victim? What are you talking about? What is that all about?” Kuroo said nervously while slightly raising his voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“There has been an accident sir. A hit and run to be specific. We are currently transporting Kozume Kenma from the scene.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo felt his world start to spin as he tried to stand up and quickly fell to his knees. His heartbeat was all he could hear as it pounded through his ears, blocking any other words that the other man was speaking. Kuroo felt the tears start pouring from his eyes and soon he couldn’t see or hear anything. His phone laid on the floor next to him shining up with the light catching on the water that poured down his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“This can’t be happening-” Kuroo choked out. He could feel his entire body start to shake. Goosebumps erupted across his body and he felt a shiver run up his spine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo couldn’t describe what he was feeling right now. His heart felt as though it had shattered into a million pieces. Is Kenma okay? Is he going to be okay? Where is he? Where are they taking him? What happened?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sir, Kenma has sustained very serious injuries, we are taking him to the hospital now to get him into surgery.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He is being taken to Nerima General Hospital,” the man spoke again before Kuroo could compose any response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m on my way,” Kuroo stated before hanging up the phone and grabbing his red Nekoma jacket that was hanging on his door.</em>
</p><p>To this day, Kuroo doesn’t remember the journey from his house all the way to Nerima General. All he knows is that he must’ve sprinted the entire way there because when he had arrived the nurses at the nurse station looked quite surprised to see someone there already. During that time, Kuroo couldn’t feel how winded he was from the run, or how his legs ached from running that far, or that his chest felt like it was going to explode because he had never been forced to run more than a mile in volleyball practice, and he had just run three.</p><p>
  <em>“Where is he? Where is Kenma? I need to see him now,” Kuroo choked out while running towards the front desk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He was just taken into surgery sir, you are welcome to wait here in the waiting room and a doctor will be out to give you updates.” The nurse explained while waving towards the chairs that were spread out across the room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was nothing he could do now but wait.</em>
</p><p>Kuroo remembers the wait was one of the longest 3 hours of his life. The nervous bounce that his leg had started doing as soon as the first 30 minutes had passed was soon joined by the fiddling of thumbs and nervous nail-biting. Kuroo had been a mess in the waiting room. Waiting to see Kenma. Praying that he would be okay.</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo was interrupted from his thoughts when an older man in a white coat approached him. Kuroo quickly stood up to greet him with a worried look on his face. Kuroo looked awful, but he didn’t care. He only cared about Kenma.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Tetsurou Kuroo?” The doctor called out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo nodded, “How is he? Can I see him?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We were successful in fixing up all the wounds, but he is still unconscious and we aren’t sure if he is going to wake up. He isn’t very stable. He lost a lot of blood and we are honestly surprised that his frail body was able to sustain such serious injuries. The rest is up to him, he just needs to fight it.” The doctor carefully explained hoping that Kuroo would understand the severity of the situation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Successful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Successful was the only word that Kuroo had heard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Can I see him please?” Kuroo said softly with tears slowly filling up his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor nodded and directed him towards where Kenma was going to be staying for a while. Kuroo had sprinted towards the room and slid into the doorway when he found the correct room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His heart sunk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There lay Kenma ever more pale than usual. His arms were covered in bandages that had a faint red tint to them signaling the damage beneath the white cloth. He had a large cut across his left cheek that had been stitched up during surgery and now had a large white bandage across it. Kuroo noticed that his lips were ghostly white and cracked from the lack of moisture. He had dark circles around his closed eyes and his breathing came slowly and sounded strangled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo ran towards Kenma and collected his small right hand into his own two and pressed it to his lips, “Kenma please wake up. For me. I need you with me here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hours passed with Kuroo seated at Kenma’s side with the small hands within his and head bowed into the side of the bed next to Kenma’s leg.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>People came and went, Kenma’s parents, people from the volleyball team, Hinata, Kuroo’s parents. But none of them stayed with him the entire time like Kuroo.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The nurses urged him to leave to get something to eat or get washed up but Kuroo refused to leave. The nurses eventually brought him a plate of food which sat untouched on the side table. Kuroo had no appetite while his best friend and love of his life lay there fighting for his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Eventually, Kuroo slid into the bed next to Kenma like they had done since they were kids. He gathered Kenma in his arms very gently and lay with him for the rest of the time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That same night, Kenma passed away in Kuroo’s arms- his favorite place, and neither of them got to tell each other how they truly felt. How crazy in love they were with each other but never got the chance to confess.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>Kuroo fumbled for his phone and quickly dialed up the only number that he had been calling ever since the accident. He refused to take calls from anyone mainly because he didn’t want to talk about how he was feeling to anyone except Kenma. Even if Kenma wouldn’t be able to say anything back, Kuroo still felt better that his words were going to Kenma.</p><p>“This is Kenma. I can’t come to the phone right now. You know what to do.”</p><p>It had been a full month since Kuroo’s last voicemail. He thought it would be a good idea to spread out his calls considering he was only allowed ten in total. However, now he didn’t know that when the time would come, he would be able to stop calling and let go.</p><p>“I know it has been a while since I last called- don’t think that I’ve stopped missing you any less Kenma.” Kuroo tried to tease hoping it would lift his mood but realized that it was not making things any better.</p><p>Kuroo laid down on his carpeted floor with his phone on the floor right next to him. He grabbed his volleyball and began to set it above his head while laying on his back. Only the sound of the ball softly connecting with the pads of his fingers filled the phone.</p><p>Kuroo decided to tell Kenma about his day which turned into him explaining his past month. Maybe if the conversation felt normal, then he would feel normal again. And for a little while, it really did feel normal. After all, Kenma usually just listened without speaking while Kuroo would talk about his day.</p><p>Kuroo was so caught up in the moment, that when he was ripped back into reality it felt as though a bucket of cold water had been poured over him. He had asked Kenma how his day had gone and only received silence as a response.</p><p>He sighed, “Are things ever going to get easier Kenma? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“I love you Kenma,” Kuroo whispered before hanging up. He hadn’t noticed that he had been talking for an hour and a half.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hiiiiii! I hope you guys like the chapter! Don't forget to leave any feedback if you can! I love hearing from people!! Comments also keep me motivated to keep writing, and we all know I need motivation because college is hard:( stay safe and healthy! xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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